Stress Management for New Parents: Five Simple Things You Can Do to Help You Cope With Your New Bundle of Joy

So one of my first blog posts ever was "Stress Management for Parents", something I had written long before I actually became I parent. And while I still stand by most of what I had said before, there are a few things I would change about what I had written now that I have a four month old baby.

First, I would make the list of coping strategies shorter. New parents have enough new things to learn and do—any tips I have for them need to be small, simple, and to the point.

Secondly, I would rank the items from least important to most important. Sometimes doing one extra thing is enough to put a new parent (aka me) over the edge, let alone five. Now I realize the importance of giving parents ranked options so that they have a sense that what their stress management priorities are.

So, with that said, here are is Angela D. MacKay's Guide to Stress Management for New Parents. The five simple, most important things you can do to help you cope, in descending order, are:

5) Do something fun while you're baby is napping. All new parents hear "sleep when the baby sleeps", but I disagree. Sure, you need your rest, but you also need some connection to your life before you had a child, and that means doing something of the fun things you used to do in your down time. The key word here is "fun" and just to clarify, what you find fun when you're exhausted and you're life is turned upside down is very different than what you found fun when things felt more balanced. It may be as simple as watching a television show with your partner, or reading a novel while your partner, family, or friends are looking after the baby. As tired as I was, within the first three weeks after my beautiful babe was born, I was reading a novel and writing in my journal while my husband took over the evening feeds of pumped breast milk and supplemental formula. Reading and writing, things I did frequently before my baby was born, reminded me that there was a world outside of parenthood, and that eventually, I would have more of a connection with it.

4) Take some time to problem solve about things that would make your life easier. I was a pretty organized person before I got pregnant, but baby brain left me feeling a little less smart and a lot less organized. There were many important things I didn't yet have when my water broke eight days early, including a night-light, a soother, and a bottle warmer. What you expect to need when you are having baby may be quite different than what you actually need once your baby arrives. Taking the time to think about my options, to talk things over with my partner, and get support from other mothers allowed me to figure out what needed to change and what I needed to tweak in order to make things go more smoothly.

The decision to supplement breastfeeding with formula was huge, and at first, heart-breaking, but I soon realized what a dramatic change introducing formula would bring to my life. No longer would I be engaging in breastfeeding-related activities for 15 hours a day, going without food for five hours at time, breastfeeding and sobbing, wondering when and if my baby would ever be full and how much longer I could feed my child without losing my mind. Now, I breastfeed my baby for an hour at a time, and someone else can feed him a bottle while I go do the things that I need to do to take care of myself. That one choice changed everything for me—wiped out half of my stress, and spread out the responsibility of feeding my child to others, rather than having it fall on me alone.

So take the time to think about what choices you need to make in order to get the most stress-reducing bang for your buck. Tweak your physical space to make it more organized and efficient as needed—organization and structure in the physical world will decrease the chaos in your inner world. Find the supports and structures you need from within the community as well as your friends and family.

3) Tune into your body to figure out what you need to do for you. In those precious moments of quietude when your baby sleeps, just take a moment to tune in with yourself and get a sense of what you need to do next. Do you really need to take a nap? Is food a priority? Do you need a shower? Do you need to talk with someone? Or do you just need to be alone? Only you can answer those questions, only you can tune in in the moment, and discern what you need to do right now. Being present with yourself helps you better respond to both your needs and your baby's needs—when you are at your best, your baby will be at their best, too.

2) Know when you need to ask for help. This ties into number three. You need to know your limits, to know when you are too tired, too hungry, or too emotional drained to properly care for you and your child. Err on the side of caution—do not wait until you are completely overwhelmed to ask for help. I learned that the hard way. Many a time in those first two weeks, I knew I was about lose it after about 2 hours of breastfeeding, but I kept going anyway, thinking that I could just feed him a little bit longer, that he'd get full soon enough.

The result three hours later? A sobbing, hungry Mama and a wailing, hungry baby. When I was finally able to ask my husband to take over before I got so overwhelmed, things were much less stressful for all of us.

And the number one thing you can do to help you cope with your new bundle of joy? You guessed it...

1) Exercise. Now, I know some of you are thinking, "Come on, really? You want me to exercise right after having a baby? That's just not possible." Again, let me qualify that by saying that what you would do as exercise before having a baby, during pregnancy, immediately postpartum, 6 weeks postpartum and 12 weeks postpartum are all completely different.

According to the Oxford Dictionary, exercise is defined as any activity that requires physical exertion. That's all I'm saying—get up and move and you'll feel better.

As a new mom, I spent most of my time sitting—sitting and breastfeeding, sitting and changing a diaper, sitting and reading a story. For me, ten days postpartum, "exercise" was sweeping and moping my kitchen floor. Oh, you won't believe how good it felt, working up the tiniest bit of sweat! I had no idea that I could ever love cleaning my kitchen so much. Finally, I could get up and move!

At one month, postpartum, "exercise" was a twenty minute leisurely stroll with my baby and my dog.

And now, at four months postpartum, "exercise" is roller skating by myself for a half an hour while listening to Rob Zombie's "Dragula" over and over again.  And the difference in my mood is night and day. Even my husband has noticed a significant change in my overall demeanor.

"Are going roller skating tomorrow morning?" he would ask. "I can stay home and keep an ear out for the baby." Because he knows when Mama's happy, everybody's happy. And what makes Mama happy is roller skating.


And so there you have it—Angela D. MacKay's Guide to Stress Management for New Parents. Do keep in mind that while this list is meant to be ranked in order of importance, as you can see, they each tie into one another, and only you can discern what you need to do when. The bottom line is that you need to trust yourself more than anything, even more than the books, more than the professionals. Give yourself permission to take care of yourself as well as your baby and everyone will be all the happier.

© All rights reserved. Angela Dawn MacKay.

www.knottedwordscelticart.com, Twitter: @AngelaDMac

Emotional Boundaries: How to Hold Your Ground in the Midst of Fear and Chaos

So… as you might imagine, being a psychologist, at times, can be an intense job—people's stories pulling on my heart strings, as well as their stress and emotions tugging at my nervous system. Being able to stay grounded is at the heart of what I do.

So how do you do it, you might ask? How do I hear the sorrows and woes of others without becoming stressed or overwhelmed myself? Well, after years of practice, I've learned a few tricks of the trade and I thought I'd share them with you.

But before I share my secrets, there are a few things you need to understand about people and their emotional states. First of all, emotions can be contagious—negative emotions spreading from one person to another like some infectious disease or fungal outbreak, positive emotions spreading as quickly as a gentle smile and a few kinds words. Which way it will go, an infectious contagion or infectious good cheer largely depends on how we respond to the emotions of others.

You see, human beings are much like a tuning fork. A calm, grounded individual can be a calming presence to someone who is stressed just by being calm - what they say or do isn't as important as how they are saying or doing it - whether their words and actions come from a place of fear or a place of presence. Imagine what would have happened if Chicken Little, when frantically trying to make her way to the King because the sky was falling, had come across a calm, grounded Turkey Lurkey. The story might have turned out very differently, don't you think?

But beware: the emotions of others can pull us out of our sense of calm, leading us into a whirlwind of emotion. (Chicken Little is a great example of this, and look at what happened in that tragic tale—All of the farm animals were pulled into Chicken Little's fear, and followed her around to find the King only to be led straight into a dark cave and eaten by a fox.  Ahh, such needless suffering…)

I don't want you to fall to the same fate, so here's a few pointers that might help you stay present and calm even though those around you are overwhelmed by fear and strong emotion:

1) Notice your Breath: Very often when we are stressed, we are not breathing to our full capacity. It is the breath that separates us from life or death, quite literally, and if we are not breathing, we are generally not calm. So slow your breath down, nudging it into deep, even inhales and exhales. The breath calms the body, which calms the mind.

2) Notice your Body: Are you feeling tension anywhere? Bracing yourself in any way? If you are, notice it and see if you can bring awareness to it, letting it soften and let go with every exhale.

3) Notice your Posture: Are you leaning forward, all hunched over, stifling the breath? Are you leaning back, almost as if to avoid the intensity of the emotion coming at you? Neither will do. The term "being centered" means that quite literally - we need a long spine, vertebrae stacked on top of one another, our feet connected to the earth, our head and heart open to the sky in order to be "centered", as it opens up the breath, which gives us both the energy and the wisdom to deal with the situation skillfully.

4) Notice your Surroundings: Do you know where you are? Or has the stress of the other person made the physical environment a blur? Tune into the five senses, letting your eyes take in whatever you see around, your ears resting on whatever sounds they notice, and so on. Bringing our awareness to what's around us can help us regain perspective and help us see the wisdom of the big picture.

5) Trust What Comes: When we are present, we are in tune with others and our environment, and our words and actions seem to be just what is needed. Trust that you will say and do exactly what the situation requires.

6) Repeat the Above Over and Over, as Needed: Being grounded and present is not a static state - it is something we must tune into over and over again.










© All Rights Reserved. Angela Dawn MacKay
www.knottedwordscelticart.com, Twitter: @AngelaDMac

Stress Management For Parents

      Throughout life, we experience many changes and learn how to adapt our lifestyle to accommodate new circumstances. However, when children enter our lives, we sometimes struggle to maintain a healthy, balanced lifestyle.  Being a parent is associated with its' own unique stress, from worrying about our child’s safety to spousal disagreements about discipline. Having children seems to make life much more complicated. However, complicated does not have to mean chaotic. Here are a few ways of coping with the stresses of parenthood and being proactive in creating a healthy, happy family life.

      1) Take Time for Yourself.  Schedule yourself in some weekly "me" time – a solitary activity that you find rejuvenating and fulfilling. Whether it be jogging, knitting, or playing piano, we all need time for ourselves.  So often we put our families’ needs before our own, but we need to take care of ourselves before we can take care of others.

      2) Prioritize your "To Do" List.  As our "To Do" list increases, we sometimes feel overwhelmed by all that we have to do in the course of a day. By deciding what’s important to us and what needs to be done, we gain some sense of control over our lives.  Ask yourself, "Does this really need to be done, right now? What will happen if I don’t do it until tomorrow or the next day?"  Deciding what can wait helps us cope with everyday stressors.

      3) Make Time for Romance. If you are with a partner, going from being a "couple" to a "family" takes its toll on any relationship.  Creating quality time with your partner is essential in developing the love, support, and communication needed to have a happy household. If you are single, making time for friends can help you restore your sense of self outside of your children.

      4) Re-evaluate your Expectations of Yourself and Others.  Sometimes we feel distress when we have unrealistic expectations of ourselves and the world around us.  As parents, we think we need to be Supermen and Superwomen, leaping from work to housework to parenting in a single bound.  Ask yourself, “Do I expect too much of myself?  Of my partner?  Of my children?” Accepting what is realistically possible in your family allows everyone to experience success.

      5) Do Things as a Family. Whether it be declaring that Wednesday is “Board Game Night” or going for a picnic on Saturday, scheduling fun activities allows for a positive experience for the whole family.  Spending time together strengthens relationships and fosters an atmosphere of love and caring.

      6) Develop Healthy Habits.  Having a healthy diet and daily exercise benefits us in so many ways – we sleep better, feel more energetic, and experience a boost in mood.  A healthy lifestyle provides us with energy and emotional resources to deal with whatever comes our way.

Incorporating the above attitudes and activities into your family may not simplify your life, but they will help bring some order to a busy schedule and help to maintain a healthy perspective. As overwhelming as family life may seem, breaking tasks into bite-size pieces may make the stress of having children much more manageable.

© ALL RIGHTS RESERVED, Angela Dawn MacKay 

www.knottedwordscelticart.com, Twitter: @AngelaDMac, www.angelamackay.com